Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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