The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
