did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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