i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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