Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
