If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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