Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
