so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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