Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
