Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
