I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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