I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
