he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
