we have pet lesbian snakes
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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