How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
