I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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