my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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