I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Shame - the story of my life.
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