No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
