dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
