i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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