and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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