"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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