Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
