mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
