Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
being pregnant is like rehab
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
