Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
