I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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