when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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