i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
