watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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