sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
