I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
