One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
