i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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