its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
