Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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