So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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