I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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