I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
