Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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