dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
