I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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