You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
