If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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