I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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