The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
