I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
