I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
