I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
