Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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