i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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