I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
