At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
